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How Droopy Drawers Remind Me Of Temp Car Insurance

Is there anything more degrading than being robbed? No, not of your money or jewels. Of your precious collection of Victoria's Secret underwear. Yes folks, a burglar decided to break in to my first floor apartment and help themselves to my underwear drawer while I was snoring away on the living room couch. I didn't care that he took my stereo and some of my food. I didn't even care that I could have been murdered. I suffered a fate much worse than death. He ran off with my panties.

What Happened To My Victoria's Secret Underwear ?

When I woke up from my pepperoni pizza nightmare, the apartment was a shambles. My bedroom looked like it had has been trampled by two dozen very drunk elephants that also swallowed a few Xanax tablets for extra coordination. Whoever decided to rob me was a total slob. My underwear drawer where I had all my expensive Victoria's Secret underwear was completely empty. What would I do for underwear to put on for work?

Borrowing Underwear Is Embarrassing

Going to work without any panties on was a little too "casual" even in my casual workplace. I had no choice but to try and borrow a pair from my nosy, gossipy neighbour. Boy, would this get around the apartment complex in no time flat. Try waking up a neighbour at sunrise to ask to borrow a pair of their underwear. More than embarrassing, its mortifying. Not to mention thoughts of what kind of anti-bacterial laundry soap they use. Yuck.

Temp Cover For My Unmentionables

The underwear is now on. There is only one problem. My neighbour is 85 years old and wears those long, white cotton things that look like giant contour sheets from the First World War with holes cut out for the legs. They are so big and so droopy, I have to pin them around the top of my legs like big baby nappies. This sad situation is so much like getting temp car insurance.

Temp car insurance helps temporarily, like this saggy underwear. Who could believe that droopy drawers remind me of temp car insurance? I need to stay away from pepperoni, seriously. If my neighbour ever had to get temp car insurance, she would have to pay a higher premium just to squeeze those giant underpants into the car.

Victoria Isn't Telling Any Secrets

So what happened to my Victoria's Secret underwear collection? Apparently, Victoria is pretty good about keeping secrets because they were never seen or heard from again. Who would want burglar factory-seconds, anyway? I can only wish that burglar one thing. The most painful and dreaded of all underwear occurrences, the never-ending wedge.

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