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Temp Car Insurance Is Like A Clothes Peg

Camping out should involve some kind of warning for city people, particularly when you go to such a wild and uncivilised country like America for a camping holiday. Not everybody who goes out in the woods knows what they are doing. Some people actually think camping is fun. It probably could be if it wasn't for one thing. There are some frightening creatures that make their homes around human campsites.

We city people feel perfectly comfortable with rubbish eating rats hopping over our shoe laces as we walk around our neighbourhoods. Mean junkyard dogs with big, foaming fangs don't bother us either. I am talking about the really scary stuff that can be found out in the wild. Like butterflies, for instance.

Camping Involves Wildlife

Sleeping outside can be scary in the woods. I'll take a park bench in downtown Moss Side anytime over sleeping in the woods. Heck, I might even invite some tramps with me next time so I feel safer sleeping out in the open. Yes, I know that wildlife lives out in the wild, but do they have to be so wild about it? I went camping last week and it turned out to be a more scent-sational experience than I could have ever imagined. Thank goodness I took a clothes peg or two with me.

Wildlife Can Act Wild

A city living Englishman must learn the difference between a raccoon and a skunk. One looks like a small brown dog with a hangover and circles around their eyes. The other looks like a flat, long-haired Chihuahua with a salt and pepper hairdo. Watch out for the salt n' peppa one. That's American city slang in case you were wondering. I learned the hard way that things can get smelly fast when you can't tell the difference between the front of a raccoon and the backside of a skunk.

The Skunk From Hades

When I got to the camp site, I did all the things that city folks do to make things seem more like home. I turned up the transistor radio. I threw some food scraps out for the rats. I put a disco ball in my tent and double parked my bicycle. I thought I might actually get the hang of this camping thing and learn to be a pro camper.

Everything was fine until later that night when the sun went down. As I lay stretched out in my open tent, two creatures meandered right into my tent. They didn't even knock, which can get you killed in Manchester. I figured they might be hungry or something. I gave the one that looked like Clint Eastwood wearing a mask some leftover sandwich meat. At least, I think I did. I heard chewing, but I couldn't see in detail. It was too dark.

Then I made the biggest mistake of my life in that dark tent. I accidentally tried to feed the skunk a bite of sandwich from the wrong end. Not mine. His. You can guess what happened next. Sightings of the mushroom cloud of skunk spray were reported as far away as Nova Scotia and Greenland. The camp site was in some place called Illinois. Who knew skunks were so sensitive about being poked in the backside with sandwiches?

A Clothes Peg Is Like Temp Car Insurance

After getting drenched with the foulest smelling stuff this side of Hades, I was lucky I didn't pass out. I figured if I couldn't smell it on myself, I might survive. I put a clothes pin on my nose to get me through just like people use temp car insurance. Temp car insurance and a fast car would have come in handy to get me the heck out of the woods. I'm sure the rental car company would have taken one smell and refused me temp car insurance, long term car insurance or any kind of insurance that involved breathing.

Do Not Feed Wildlife From The Rear (Theirs)

The moral of this camping story is to take a torch when you go camping. No wonder people take all kinds of lanterns and stuff when they go camping. Who wants to see what happens if you try to feed a grizzly bear a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from his rear? Not Me.

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